Thursday, 10 November 2011

Dear, People of Facebook

Dear Facebook people,
If you post a song lyric, intentionally vague status or quote you are NOT "DEEP" you are annoying and insufferable. "Sigh... Why does my life have to be so hard?" Life is not hard! Listening to you drone on and on about how your life sucks makes other people's lives hard. And quoting a famous person with something that doesn't even relate to you, your life, or even current events you are no better. I don't give a damn about what Bono said about Africa and how it relates to your SAT's. And if you post a song quote... God help us. You have literally nothing interesting in your life to post so you think that lady gaga's new song (which we already have heard, thanks America) is now relevant to your life. You should be banned from Facebook. Please vacate the Internet immediately.

Good day sir!

Monday, 7 November 2011

Herman Cain: Black walnut #4: Herman and his pee-wee are in trouble

One of Herman Cain's sexual harass... Ies? (or as I like to call them, "his bitches") has come forward And her name is Sharon Bialek. You know what they say, once you go Bialek, you never go back. (until fourteen years later when she and four other women accuse you of sexual harassment.) Apparently, Cain "groped and Tried to force her into a sexual act" this is pretty serious actually and something I personally would tell someone about instead of forgetting about it for 14 years. That's over 4000 days, honestly, report that instead of waiting for some lawyer to pay you to remember. Herman, my good friend, I have a complex legal stratagy And that is to say; "your honor, look at the woman, would YOU have done it". Failing that I would suggest telling him to close his eyes and hold out his hands and you'll then present some incriminating evidence. and then you RUN. (this is also what I do in the event of a swamp monster attack). And finally, Herman, try not to harrass any more women any time soon.

In other news, there's ads here now. Money is a good motivator and I need some motivation. Please give me some motivation. if your mouses are dying to click things me and my ads are here to help.

Friday, 4 November 2011


So, in case you haven't noticed, "Adventures of the Black Walnut #4" got deleted. I didn't do this myself (I thought it was some of my best work) but blogger editing had a hissy fit and deleted it. it shall no be referred to as The lost walnut tapes; The adventures #3.5 If you saw it good, you are part of the brotherhood of the 3.5 we meet weekly. Bring pizza. also, you're the designated driver. Onto my second point i'm thinking of changing the name of the adventures of the black walnut to something shorter like Herman Cain: Black Walnut. and by thinking of I mean I am going to do it.

Update Man Awaaaaay!

LSD: likes / (slash) dislikes: Nov. 4/11

Didn't think you'd see this again huh? Well I'm bringing back likes and dislikes (now with a shorter name) to add a bit of variety instead of constant Herman Cain news, as much as I love the adventures of the black walnut. Now onto the 'funny' stuff.

Fairly odd parents/spongebob: I'm not proud of this but since I'm sick (with concentrated evil flowing out of my mouth and into the trashcan) And because of this I've had to watch all the free shows on Shaw VOD. Don't judge me.

Beds: yes, again because I'm sick but beds are just great they are for sleeping and even happy bouncy naked fun-time as the kids never call it. Your bed is your best friend when You're sick (mostly because nobody wants to befriend someone who could possibly vomit on them)

Fruit at the bottom yogurt: if I wanted fruit I would have gotten fruit! When I want yogurt I get yogurt, not yogurt plus fruit. Especially when someone gives you it, and you think it's regular yogurt and then suddenly... Fruuuuuit

Being sick: know why... I'm too sick to even explain this one between fits of vomiting.

Tada! That's all folks. Expect a lot more dislikes as the world inevitably screws me over.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Adventures of the Black walnut #3: The Harassment Chronicles

Imagine this, but with open palms and we get a chilling rendition
of Herman Cain's 'harassment'
The black walnut, the seemingly endless comedy vat that I will continue to drink from has once said something along the lines of ; "ya' wanna see some real black walnuts?". Cain says that he was "falsely accused" of sexual harassment which I find a bit hard to believe. Did he actually want o show her some black walnut ice cream and not making a crude sexual innuendo? did he trip into a lady's ass palm-first? however the ladies 'falsely' interpreted it I'd like to look at this in another light; the 'Merican way (for those that don't know 'Merican is a term I've invented to define the pure and slightly redneck way of doing things) now, I ask you who better to represent America than a man who harrases people because if america was a guy at a party we all know he'd be the one at the back getting drunk and starting a fight with that little Vietnamese boy down the street. After all I've been looking forward to another "I did not have sexual relations with..." presidential video since Clinton stepped down. 

*authors note: for the apparent two of you (according to blogger) who are actually reading this, Thank you and please spread the word or I might just have to sick Herman Cain in his 'Grabby-grabby' mood on you.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Adventures of the Black Walnut #2: Smoking Area

welcome to Herman Cain's ad about... I'll be honest I don't really know. The video was essentially a bunch of slogans about rebuilding america or something along those lines followed by  a man smoking and a pop song about america. I'd like to raise a point here; The Man with this idea could be the next president of the united states. Also, what the hell was with the cameraman, did he really like the zoom button or was he admiring this mans glorious mustache. I'm sorry but if you're going to admire a mustache do it the right way an stare at Tom Selleck. Thirdly, the smoking bit at the end made no sense. Did they think a middle age man smoking would get the youth vote 'Cuz it's kewl' or the smokers vote because from what I've seen (on anti-smoking commercials)they are too busy fighting against themselves, ninjas or little green goblins. And lastly Herman... Never change.

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Where to go in a zombie outbreak

We all know that one day a man named 'Keith' will become a scientist, and Keith the scientist will think "hey, what if I feed my wife the mutated remains of dead people" and voila! You get zombies. And When the undead hordes come for you and your succulent brains you need to know where to go.

Where you'll want to go:

1. The House Of Knives: this place is second only to 'crazy Ed's house of blunt weapons with nails in 'em' in zombie massacring weapons. Knives cut flesh. Zombies are made of flesh. Knives cut zombies. Done and done.

2. Electronics shop: the defense is simple; electricity make zombie go bye-bye and you can become the god of thunder, Zeus. The only downside I could see here would be seeing one of the televisions showing Nicholas cage's 'acting' and you would, of course, shoot the television instead of the zombies becaus end Nick Cage showing off his whopping two emotions

3. Victoria's secret: you last moments should be happy.

4. In 1930 right next to Hitler. Trip the bastard, trip him.

5. Inside the movie zombieland: first off, it's an entire civilization of survivors and secondly (and more importantly) you could get Jesse eisenberg's autograph before he did the social network, getting you enough money to hire...

6,7,8,9,10 etc. Anywhere as long as you have Chuck Norris as your bodyguard: If I need to explain this one to you, I will push you into the zombie horde you uncultured zombie bait.

*Honorable mention*
crazy Ed's bling weapons with nails in 'em: this didn't make the list because Ed would most likely shoot you instead of the zombies. Silly Ed, he's not a zombie

Well, I'll be at Victoria's secret for... Protection


...Is what I am not going to talk about at all.

The much more important matter I mast tell you of is that today was the day in 1918 when the independent czecho-Slovak state was established. I mean, come on guys, The Independent Czecho-Slovak state was established who gives a damn about some baseball! in case you thought that was sarcasm, You Clearly do not know me. I enjoy many things that everyone on the internet and/or nine-year olds like; kittens doing "people stuff", Physical comedy, cats, pop tarts, and the word Nyan. Things I do not like include; diseases, Glee, people who play guitar without actually playing guitar, and finally baseball. It's not that I don't like the sport, its a good idea for instance; were a zombie outbreak to occur whist playing it you could use the bat to bash your previous loved ones ever loving brains out. However, It's just too slow of a game for me. it's the same problem with Golf, which is why I propose a new sport entitled "X-treme Golf" (I added the X to appeal to the youths and hoods.). X-treme golf works like normal Golf (referred to as Lame Golf from now on) except for every stroke under par you get an electric shock and having a handicap means you were actually crippled in the sport  Godly activity that is X-treme golf. 

baseball is over, I can now come out of my cocoon and write about the news. Wish me luck!

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Albert Pujols and the world series

The world series is well underway, with game three finishing up with a cardinals win. the story of Albert Pujols and the bat that hit everything finished up with Pujols hitting three home runs (having not seen many baseball games I assume this is where he runs to his house before the outfielders catch the ball) leading the Card's to a victory. meaning I believe that they scored more baskets and ran through more wickets than the other guys. The Card's (yeah, I speak baseball, what of it.) now lead 2-1 in the series and i don't know baseball but i'm pretty sure that's good. the cardinals players stepped across all four bases sixteen times to the ranger's seven which means unless the rules have been changed to incorporate  golf scoring St. Louis may be proud. I cant write about baseball, but its news.

I restrained myself from making any 'Pujols' Butt jokes all post and I am proud of that.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Republican Debates: Adventures of the Black Walnut #1

Now before I start talking about American politics there are two things you should know; I'm not familiar talking about politics aside from "yeah that there president guy is doing great/ruining this country". And Secondly I'm Canadian (Eh) and this is completely Oot of my igloo.

Lets start with the Sugar train, Herman Cain! something about this man makes me want to shout Gospel music at the top of my lungs I have learned that Cain Really seems to like the number nine, so much in fact that he is quite persistent in promoting his "9-9-9" plan. This lowers the corporate tax rate (35% at the moment), to 9%, get rid of all the pesky math of personal income tax and give it a flat 9% tax and a 9% national sales tax. Bachmann cleverly retorted a joke about how when you turn it upside down 'the devils in the details". That's my newly self-appointed job, Bachmann! don't you tread on me or the black walnut will come for you and the entire state of Michigan. I somewhat approve of The lack walnut's plan mostly because i share the love of the number nine.

Rick Perry the Platypus controlling the
Mexican border
Rick Perry, the man who's half smile and half frown that cuts through glass and five types of bricks. he was somewhat quiet but I think i know why, he is... Do bi do bi do wa agent P! It's either that or he's moonlighting as Katy Perry.

Romney, the front runner did what front runners do, he ran in front. not literally of course, unless it was of camera, which i'd like to think it was. He generally badassed his was through this with phrases like "I'm Still speaking. BI-OTCH" okay, he didn't say bi-otch but it was quite heavily implied.

Nines and gospel music?!?! I AM THERE!

Things I like/Dislike #1: Chocolate covered zombies

So, Two days in and i'm starting a weekly article. In case the title didn't give it away this will be about thing I like and Dislike (So That's why he calls it that). And so we begin L/D (Acronym already that's right!) for week #1 10/11/11.

Like:Dead island.
This is a video game about an island (surprising I know) and theres a bunch of dead people (double surprise) and here's the shocking twist the game isn't about examining dead bodies, it's about zombies! You kill them, decapitate them and befriend them under no circumstances should you befriend them.

Like: Chocolate
Need I explain this? It's chocolate, the cocoa version of, to put it scientifically, pure awesome. Chocolate added to anything makes it awesome. Ex: Milk + Chocolate = liquid awesome. Chocolate + Caramel (pure fantastic) = Awesomtastic. Chocolate + bunnies = the greatest pet ever/the pet with the shortest lifespan

Dislike: Annoying answering machine messages.
Whether there's backround noise or it's one that has two people taking turns saying each. Word. In. The. Message. While. Alternating. If it's annoying it's Annoying and it's bot cute, Puppies are cute. You are not puppies.

Well that's it. If you made it this far you deserve a reward, you're not getting one, but you certainly deserve one. In the future this will have two dislikes but I'm too lazy in a good mood today

rule #1 of life: Chocolate trumps all, even zombies

Monday, 10 October 2011

The "Next Blog" Button and You

Hi I`m Bloggy The Next Blog themed mascot and here to talk to you about the next blog button. This buttons primary use is to find mothers posting pictures of their children add an exciting new way to find blogs! We advise you to not use the button for an extended period of time as it has not been tested and you may contract a number diseases from it. Non-Threatening Jokes! Bloggy is simply kidding, you cannot contract diseases from the internet, and this should defiantly not be followed by legal action! With the next Blog button you can get directly from pictures of random children to a polish heavy metal band`s website with blood everywhere!(This actually happened to me...)

In case you haven`t guessed my blog (I use the term loosely) has not been taken over by a computer expertly named Bloggy but I was Bloggy all along! What an M. Night Shamalan like twist!

I`ll be out for awhile the button gave me hepatitis. Non-Threatening jokes! 

The Story of Christopher Columbus or 'How to be a jerk and get your own holiday'

I'm sure you've wondered at least once why people celebrate Columbus Day. And I'm sure a quick google search revealed that videos of cats were far more intersecting that Columbus day. But fear not for I will teach you all you need to know (and ever so much that you didn't). The first thing that you'll need to know is that our friend Chris didn't want to find America, he wanted to prove that the world was flat. After returning from the Caribean he decided that no the earth wasn't flat (step in the right direction) it was pear-shaped! (step off a cliff)Although this did help his uncles pear buissiness it made him the laughing stock of Europe.
-topher Columbus
Even though Christopher was a jerk (slavery never makes a good impression) he did find the new world, well new-ish, the millions of people living there certainly didn't find it new, but i digress. Without Chris we'd all live in Spain still, and 'merica (that's right apostrophe america) would never have existed... And neither would the debt crisis. Or Disney pop stars... 

well, i'm off to shape my globes into pears now, you know, for accuracy.

German Approval... Maybe!

I've gotten my first view! Thank you random Man/Woman/Hermaphrodite from Germany, thank you. It may not have been in German and that may have been a blessing considering this is probably mindless dribble. So, Klaus (He/she's German, Hooray for stereotypical names!) What did you think of my little slice of the internet? Because my hypothetical German man didn't respond, I've added a poll on your opinion of my blog. So go ahead, click away with your cold, judging clicks.

P.S. Germany, no more hard feelings about the two wars

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Blogging About Blogging

Today I join the ranks of many famous bloggers (which i could definitely name right now if I wanted to) and take one step away from internet obscurity. Will I take more steps, or will I sit down because walking is far too exhausting  for lazy people like me? Who knows. I certainly don't. If you're wondering what this blog is about because of my vague title which i have crafted (the master of intrigue that I am) then its generally going to be about things that  i like/dislike, 'events' in my life and hopefully amusing the reader (That's You!). I try to update this blog every Monday When I feel like it/get ideas. So, if you have literally nothing else to do and even banging your head on the wall has gotten boring (i pray this will never happen to me) then head on over here to my blog and you will have almost minutes of entertainment at your fingerprints!

Until Then, may your walls be hard and your head harder.