Thursday, 10 November 2011

Dear, People of Facebook

Dear Facebook people,
If you post a song lyric, intentionally vague status or quote you are NOT "DEEP" you are annoying and insufferable. "Sigh... Why does my life have to be so hard?" Life is not hard! Listening to you drone on and on about how your life sucks makes other people's lives hard. And quoting a famous person with something that doesn't even relate to you, your life, or even current events you are no better. I don't give a damn about what Bono said about Africa and how it relates to your SAT's. And if you post a song quote... God help us. You have literally nothing interesting in your life to post so you think that lady gaga's new song (which we already have heard, thanks America) is now relevant to your life. You should be banned from Facebook. Please vacate the Internet immediately.

Good day sir!

Monday, 7 November 2011

Herman Cain: Black walnut #4: Herman and his pee-wee are in trouble

One of Herman Cain's sexual harass... Ies? (or as I like to call them, "his bitches") has come forward And her name is Sharon Bialek. You know what they say, once you go Bialek, you never go back. (until fourteen years later when she and four other women accuse you of sexual harassment.) Apparently, Cain "groped and Tried to force her into a sexual act" this is pretty serious actually and something I personally would tell someone about instead of forgetting about it for 14 years. That's over 4000 days, honestly, report that instead of waiting for some lawyer to pay you to remember. Herman, my good friend, I have a complex legal stratagy And that is to say; "your honor, look at the woman, would YOU have done it". Failing that I would suggest telling him to close his eyes and hold out his hands and you'll then present some incriminating evidence. and then you RUN. (this is also what I do in the event of a swamp monster attack). And finally, Herman, try not to harrass any more women any time soon.

In other news, there's ads here now. Money is a good motivator and I need some motivation. Please give me some motivation. if your mouses are dying to click things me and my ads are here to help.

Friday, 4 November 2011


So, in case you haven't noticed, "Adventures of the Black Walnut #4" got deleted. I didn't do this myself (I thought it was some of my best work) but blogger editing had a hissy fit and deleted it. it shall no be referred to as The lost walnut tapes; The adventures #3.5 If you saw it good, you are part of the brotherhood of the 3.5 we meet weekly. Bring pizza. also, you're the designated driver. Onto my second point i'm thinking of changing the name of the adventures of the black walnut to something shorter like Herman Cain: Black Walnut. and by thinking of I mean I am going to do it.

Update Man Awaaaaay!

LSD: likes / (slash) dislikes: Nov. 4/11

Didn't think you'd see this again huh? Well I'm bringing back likes and dislikes (now with a shorter name) to add a bit of variety instead of constant Herman Cain news, as much as I love the adventures of the black walnut. Now onto the 'funny' stuff.

Fairly odd parents/spongebob: I'm not proud of this but since I'm sick (with concentrated evil flowing out of my mouth and into the trashcan) And because of this I've had to watch all the free shows on Shaw VOD. Don't judge me.

Beds: yes, again because I'm sick but beds are just great they are for sleeping and even happy bouncy naked fun-time as the kids never call it. Your bed is your best friend when You're sick (mostly because nobody wants to befriend someone who could possibly vomit on them)

Fruit at the bottom yogurt: if I wanted fruit I would have gotten fruit! When I want yogurt I get yogurt, not yogurt plus fruit. Especially when someone gives you it, and you think it's regular yogurt and then suddenly... Fruuuuuit

Being sick: know why... I'm too sick to even explain this one between fits of vomiting.

Tada! That's all folks. Expect a lot more dislikes as the world inevitably screws me over.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Adventures of the Black walnut #3: The Harassment Chronicles

Imagine this, but with open palms and we get a chilling rendition
of Herman Cain's 'harassment'
The black walnut, the seemingly endless comedy vat that I will continue to drink from has once said something along the lines of ; "ya' wanna see some real black walnuts?". Cain says that he was "falsely accused" of sexual harassment which I find a bit hard to believe. Did he actually want o show her some black walnut ice cream and not making a crude sexual innuendo? did he trip into a lady's ass palm-first? however the ladies 'falsely' interpreted it I'd like to look at this in another light; the 'Merican way (for those that don't know 'Merican is a term I've invented to define the pure and slightly redneck way of doing things) now, I ask you who better to represent America than a man who harrases people because if america was a guy at a party we all know he'd be the one at the back getting drunk and starting a fight with that little Vietnamese boy down the street. After all I've been looking forward to another "I did not have sexual relations with..." presidential video since Clinton stepped down. 

*authors note: for the apparent two of you (according to blogger) who are actually reading this, Thank you and please spread the word or I might just have to sick Herman Cain in his 'Grabby-grabby' mood on you.